[Note: This was a draft written for Cracked.com. Then, I discovered they didn’t want articles like that. I cried for hours that day.]

Introduction

Tired of being ignored by your peers ? Frustrated because you never have any funny story to tell ? Depressed because nothing good ever happens to you ? Burnt to the third degree because of sticking your hand in the toaster ? Well, consider yourself saved folks ! (except those with the burnt hand) This step-by-step book is aimed at you, lousy losers, and will transform your life into a real Michael Bay movie.

Step 1 : Your name is spelled “A-W-E-S-O-M-E”

You are awesome. You are the greatest achievement humankind has ever known (even probably the greatest achievement of AWESOMEKIND). Remember when nobody came to your birthday? It was because they were afraid they weren’t good enough for you (and that was totally justified). Remember when Tiffany told you to stop following her home and staring creepily at her window for hours? Well, if you replace “told you” by “wanted you”, “stop following her home” by “to make steamy love to her” and “staring creepily at her window for hours” by “with hot nachos”, it totally makes sense that Tiffany was (and is probably still) in love with you.

So sexy, so hot, so cheesy.

Now, I want you to sit here for a reasonable amount of time and think about all the moments in your life that you considered as “sad” or “embarassing”, and then, I want you to understand that you labeled those as “sad” because you judged them too fast! You were just being too harsh with yourself. Oh boy, how silly of you.

That bridge would’ve collapsed, in, like, 150 years anyway.

Step 2 : Speak as if there was a ghettoblaster in your throat

Do you like people who are talking so softly that it’s hard to figure out what they are saying ? Well, nobody likes them. You know why ? Because russian spies during the cold war were speaking like that so that nobody could hear them plot against freedom (other notable users of  that method are Hitler, Tom&Jerry and probably that old guy next door who always tells you to turn the volume down).

You can even read « HATE » in his eyes.

If you have something to say, then it has to be more important than what the others have to say. If there’s one thing everybody has ever learned in music class, it’s that when you’re as skilled as an Ikea chair to sing and to play an instrument, you have to play as loud as you can to bluff people with your self-confidence. Well, it’s the same thing during a conversation, if you yell everytime you have to say something, people will think that what you have to say is so great that you have to shout it so nobody can interrupt you.

Step 3 : Body language

Experts say that, during a conversation, approximatively 76,4% of the informations are being communicated through gestures (of your sexy body).

Misunderstanding…what a sad tragedy.

Don’t hesitate to move your arms when you speak. In fact, you have to see yourself as the helicopter of greatness and your arms as the propellers of win. Keep in mind that if flowers can express love, then your whole body should express a raptor, on a rocket, high-fiving Optimus Prime.

Also, he wants your autograph.

Step 4 : Eye contact

Eyes are associated with tons of awesome powers and majestic terms in our western culture,  “laserbeam eyes”, “eye of the storm” and “eyepod” are a few of them. Legend says that if you look for a long time into one another’s eyes, you’ll be able to see his soul (and even, the colour of his underwear!).  Since ancient times, people have always been afraid to have their soul read. Nobody wants its darkest secrets to be revealed. And that’s why confident people make eye contact.

Dear diary, “Pirates of the Carribean III” was like the greatest movie I’ve ever seen. Please don’t tell anyone.

From now on, every conversations you have should be an eye contact battle, the loser being condemned to a miserable life (including “a work at a fast food restaurant chain”, “a dog” and “eggs being thrown at your house because you suck too bad with eye contact”) and the winner being, well, you know, YOU.

SUCK ON THIS, LOSER!

Step 5 : Rudeness is in the move

If Karl Marx taught us something, it’s that the world is full of people wanting to dominate and people being dominated.

Also, beards are friggin’ awesome.

Do you like to be dominated? If no, then be rude with almost everybody. Show them that when they come to talk to you, it pisses you more than it pleases you. People have to understand that you don’t need them but they need you. You’re like Simon and they all are your Garfunkel.

Pictured: on the left is you, on the right is everybody else.

Step 6 : It’s not a lie if you mean it hard enough

Everybody lies. And a lot of celebrities did so. Stalin lied about everything in his politics, Molière lied about some stuff he didn’t write and even Ned Flanders lied.

WHAT THE HELL, DORA? BAGS DON’T TALK!!!!!

You don’t really need to have lived everything you’ve told to the others. I mean, the best movies and books have always been fictions. So go on, today you may be a pizza delivery man or that alcoholic and scary guy sitting next to young girls in the bus but tomorrow, who knows, maybe you’ll be some kind of a karate-cosmonaut who likes to wake up a 7 o’clock to go in the forest to nurrish orphan fawns.

You might even have saved that little guy’s mother.

Step 7 : Profit!

Now that you know all the secrets to awesomeness, it’s time to go outside and be the leader everybody was waiting for (which should include: a big hat, a mustache and a catchphrase).

So close to be the world leader.